I could barely open my eyes as I heard the pitter patter of little feet coming into my room.
It was the third time in the night I was woken up. I was ready to do a Hadoken punch on the wall.
Prior to my return to work, Jh (Didi, from now on, to avoid confusion) could sleep through the night. He’d been sleeping roughly from 10pm to 5am. I could work with that. One waking to nurse; I can still get sufficient rest.
But upon starting work, and Ks being overseas for his job, I wake up an average of 3 times in the night.
Twice – usually because of my darling daughter of 2 years and 4 months.
WHY IS SHE WAKING UP AT NIGHT?!!
She was highly capable of sleeping by herself all the way through since she was 2 months old and we pride ourselves on the fact that we’d let her sleep alone in her own room from birth.
Suddenly, she’s all banging on her door asking to be accompanied to sleep in the night.
We tried leaving her door open and she’ll just walk over to ours. So we tried leaving our door open too and she’ll come straight to my bed and tug at me.
I really needed my sleep. And co-sleeping isn’t an option. We know there’s really no turning back in that.
As I trudged into Jy’s room with her, I considered my options. My helper, Robbie, is sleeping with didi, who doesn’t wake up except to feed, which was my duty anyway. So, I could perhaps get Robbie to sleep with Jy. That way, I’ll only need to feed didi once and get my rest.
Jy didn’t take to the idea, of course. It took an exceptionally long time to convince her to sleep that night and she did still wake up asking for Mummy. But Robbie is rather good at handling her – cuddling her and telling her that Mummy needs to sleep in her own bed. I covered my ears with my pillow in my room, using fatigue to drown out my daughter’s wails.
Jy soon got used to Robbie sleeping with her in her room, and would briefly wake Robbie in between sleep cycles, but that was that.
Then, round the corner was our next issue.
Didi is becoming more and more active since discovering he could suck on his fingers and pull his toes. He’s still swaddled to sleep, so he’ll protest when he can’t do any of these when he wakes up at night.
Also, my breastmilk supply isn’t doing too well cos I only get to pump twice at work and can barely make up for the amount didi is drinking. I latch him in the evening and he could have gone to sleep without having enough milk for the day.
Which means he’s crying out for me more, which means, no sleep for me AGAIN.
I’m just so vexed and stressed with all these plus the lack of sleep.
I’m no good to be with without sleep.
Work load just keeps getting heavier and because of my absence during maternity, I feel a need to do more now that I’m back but I still need to sneak away every so often for my pumping sessions.
I can’t rely on Ks cos he’s also flying more and more. It used to be ‘bear-with-it-until-Ks-returns’, now it’s ‘I-gotta-work-this-out-myself’.
How about Him who created me? I’ve forgotten all about Him.
He, who could restore all order, and bring peace and comfort to the weary? I’ve left Him alone.
Dear Lord, forgive your child. Please, allow me to rest in Your arms. Allow me to trust in Your sovereignty and the strength that only You can give.
Most of all, Lord, help me to keep close to You.
I’m crazy about my daughter. I’m also crazy because of her.